Energy -ve

Salam diri,

Salam isnin. Hari ni puasa sunat isnin, dan smlm jumpa dr. najib kat Mind Matters PJ. So mmg dah expected utk dalam mode energy -ve since smlm till the whole today. Alhamdulillah x demam panas for more 2 days mcm rituh recent august, jumpa dr. shireen kat Klinik Tan Seremban & dr. kat HTJ Seremban. 

Pelik tapi benar, badan mmg akan auto energy -ve everytime mcm ginih. Also auto non-productive-emotion memanjang sehingga memaksa diri utk bed rotting + long napping + instable sleeping + less body movement + less mental movement + almost zero housekeeping.

Hmmm.

Hmmmmm.

Hmmmmmmm.

This is not a healthy cope kan. Tapi “it is what it is”, boleh kan use this statement ek. Refuse utk blame puasa sunat or utk blame every f2f session, sbb afterall back to inside out. Bukan salah external factors pun, sbb external mmg always open to every possibility/unknown/suprises, walaupun dah self-prep/homework/visual/practises. Jadi mmg punca from inside out, tapi refuse juga utk salahkan diri sbb dah mula sayang/kasih/kesian pada diri. Sbb tuh mcm nak guna statement “it is what it is as a neurodivergent”. As long as x susahkan org sekitar sepanjang self-surviving moments ginih, ok lah kan. Rasanya ok aje diri, so less worry ok! “One day at a time”, bak kat dr. najib smlm. Being an autistic with adhd, mmg rutin to be having this kind of disabling time kan, so terimalah fakta ini ye diri! Yoshhh, we got this! Asalkan x susahkan org2 dan x salahkan diri sendiri anymore. It is ok berada dlm state sebeginih ya. Xmoh dah salahkan puasa sunat, jgn dah salahkan mental dan never dah rasa useless terukz bila dlm fasa energy below zero reading. Let it freezes aje, it s ok tau. Sekali sekala dlm freezer, asyik2 energy dalam hot reading, jadi let it rest dlm freezer ya. Freezer is our ally tau, bukan enemy. 

Teruskan doa pada yg Allah Maha Kuasa agar energy boleh bangkit semula segar starting esok dan onwards, supaya boleh fokus swimming + eat clean + sleep longer hours aided by quetiapine. Yoshhh! Go go diri, we got this ya. Selalu selawat dan zikir alhamdulillah tau, jgn malas2 tau. 

Syg diri sendiri selalu tau. Love you.

Situational Mutism

Salam nora,

Esok ada f/up sesi w doktor panel utk mental. Takut la kan if happen again the Situational Mutism, similar as waktu sesi w psy HTJ last week 7 August. Hmm doa2 Allah mudahkan kata2 dilontarkan nnt esok, dan x blurr tiba2. Sgt sgt x suka moment mcm gituh, akan rasa sgt down dan sgt useless afterwards. Ofc rasa x best when that autism hiccup terjadi, sebab we already put some efforts by self-prep/note/reflect/audit-tracking since last week. Jadi confirm akan sedih sgt sgt seperti masuk dewan exam dengan otak dan hati tib2 kosong walaupun sebelum tuh dah pulun quite well (from self pov).

It s ok. All s well. All s gonna b alright. Allah ada ok.

Selawat selalu, zikir pun kerap. X ape, we all see tmrw mcm mn. 

Yg penting, today till esok subuh perlu harus yoshhh utk continue 

1. kemaskan bilik baju 

2. mandi (dah few days x mandi sbb period mood malas mandi, bukan depression ke apa) + basuh/sertu pinggan2 anak2 bulus

3. dobi berbakul2 + manage baju2 by hangers/bakul2 tertutup

Ok nora, you got this! Yesszzaaa go go nora, we got this!!! 

Ya Allah, pls pls mohon permudahkan ye huhu supaya esok 15 August pagi mcm mau swimming 8am kat paroi pool then visit kejap 181, and by 3pm dah ada kat sesi w doktor panel. Lastly by 6pm swimming kat S2 pool. Berangan kan free heheheh. Sayang Allah, sayang Rasulullah dan sayang my circle. Terima kasih ya Allah, alhamdulillah. 

Sudoko

Salam diri,

Slmt mlm punya ahad. 

Tadi zohor 10 August period, x sama mcm bulan lepas.

Ingatkan sama date lepas, tapi tunggu punya tunggu rupanya today zohor period. Alhamdulillah x rasa sakit apa2 lagi. Hopefully steady aje utk esok lusa supaya boleh clean up bilik baju, bilik meow dan bilik blkg. 

And please nora, esok lusa x perlu main dan fokus soduko. Please no. Sudoku akan drag dan makan your time, lagi2 main level expert dan master. Even level hard pun ada repeat set kan sbb salah percaturan huhu jadi better esok lusa a big no no tau sudoku tau. Kene kemas, yosh yosh. Go go we can do this, we got this nora! Clean up, clean up, clean up!!!!! Yoshhhh! Ya Allah, tolonglah permudahkan. Aminn.

Continue utk journalkan idea input for doctors’ appointments this month punya follow up appointments

Salam uit,

Sambung yg smlm. Tapi rasanya mau buat keyword, senang utk recap, hafal then sampaikan to others. 

Let’s try nora!

Keyword utk kehidupan di bulan 6, dan bulan 7:-

Bulan 6:

1) Emosi : Seperti alunan ombak (tinggi then turun dan lagi menurun emosi, then terlanggar batu di pantai tiba2 naik sedikit). Punca sebab menurun dan turun atas sebab anak2 bulus (sakit tiba2 dan kemudian die, plus w proses kebumikan dan grieving utk cuba redakan diri), dan juga atas sebab bergaduh dgn ayah (his redness condition dekat mata ayah x sembuh2 after using eyemorw shj for weeks, but he s so degil x mau check up). Meanwhile, punca emosi tiba2 naik pada hujung bulan sebab Allah izinkan utk derma darah di pusat derma darah HTJ, Seremban (hajat ni mmg dah lama aimed since awal tahun 2025 sebab kpt failing and been rejected by the dept. But on 30june2025, it was the first time in 2025 managed to derma darah, alhamdulillah. So next target utk derma darah in oct 2025, in sha Allah), dan juga happy alive sebab managed to paksa diri to clean up semua kipas2 di rumah sewa dan di rumah parents seperti dirancang dalam kepala.

2) Meds: Consumed cymbalta (1pill siang & 1pill mlm), dan xanax (1 or 2pill daily).

3) Physical condition: Belikat byk sgt kurang its sharp pain & boleh rasa energy badan makin membaik (x rasa sgt lemau seperti months ago, managed to have longer time when briskwalking w dogs/cats, & bP considered baik condition sbb managed to derma dadah). Tapi, setiap kali emosi rasa x best, urat bahagian blkg kepala mmg akan tarik tegang.

4) Tidur: Masih sama seperti months ago (+-4 hours total during the nightime). Pada waktu siang, most of the times x rasa mengantuk.

5) Rutin aktiviti: Scrolling media social dan google, bljr sendiri swimming, puasa sunat, briskwalking w dogs/cats, do small2 cleaning shj, dobi 1x sebulan shj berkemampuan tenaga, dan engage w family via f2f walaupun sekejap.

Bulan 7:

1) Emosi: Seperti hujan rintik2 punya suasana. Punca kerana masih grieving utk reda atas pemergian anak2 bulus dan kerana masih risau akan mata ayah yg merah2. But sometimes, ada few hari seperti hujan lebat:-

-1- sebab rasa sgt down dengan swimming (masih terminum air pool, ada lemas, berenang suku jalan shj but compared to others dlm pool tuh mmg jauh sgt beza).

-2- sebab rasa useless dgn diri sbb let self x tidur semalaman (24+ hours) then tup2 lusa harinya tiba2 anak bulus misteri hilang dari radar (sepatutnya setiap hari perlu cakna akan movement anak2 bulus everytime sebelum tidur dan everytime bangun tidur in daily basis, tapi pada waktu x boleh tidur at all tuh, jd mmg system badan dan otak utk lusa harinya berserta few days after mmg totally out blurr lampi etc).

-3- sebab kerap dpt semula heavy dreams ketika tidur. 

-4- sebab rasa benci sgt diri sendiri apabila masih x dpt buat major cleaning (sudah almost 1/2 tahun rumah sewa dlm keadaan x terurus seperti perancangn puzzle dlm kepala).

-5- sebab rasa sgt sgt ‘bising’ dalam otak utk planning puzzles for next what to do in aug till nov2025. Soalan seperti “adakah my anxiety can be acceptably ok bg the doctors by early dec2025 nnt as wanted to resume work prior 22 dec 2025? Can i not dependent to meds sgt within these period of times? Am i berguna for family in short and long terms?”

2) Meds: Masih disipline makan cymbalta tapi 1x pill shj siang dan utk xanax pula, hanya makan 1pill shj dlm sebulan ni sbb mau train diri away from xanax.

3) Physical condition: Belikat x ada rasa sakit at all but hanya rasa fatigue biasa seperti muscles2 bahagian badan yg lain. Tapi bP agak not ok apabila been checked by AME petronas, Dr Shireen, on 14July. Dan afterwards the session w her, terus 2days tiba2 demam panas (mungkin sebab cuaca terlalu panas pada minggu tuh).

4) Tidur: Most of hari total 4hours tidur malam seperti biasa, ada few days x dpt tidur malam at all, dan ada juga few hari dpt total tidur malam for 6hours at nightime sbb x mahu dog walking at 3 or 4am (sbb masih sakit teringat kematian anak bulus dan also ada hujan waktu malam).

5) Rutin aktiviti: Continue bljr berenang (by hujung bulan was the day of 15 hari swimming), puasa sunat seperti kebiasaan, dobi masih mampu tenaga 1x sebulan juga, still do basic house cleaning & engage physically w family walaupun x lama.

Ok dah kot this factual skrip. Sufficient dah ni. Rasanya merangkap semua input sepanjang bulan 6 dan 7 rituh. 

Oklah, nora, so u kene get familiarize w this supaya nnt senang nak present pada the doctors. U have to sebab ko makin cepat lupa dan cepat zone out. 

So please ya, do the homeworks mcm nak pergi masuk exam. U got this.

Thanks diri heheh, u r the best. We got this.

Yg penting, kita dapat rasa akan progress diri walaupun 1% shj. It s not something great, but at least ada progress apaaaa. We did good, it s ok. Good s still +ve thing hehehe. Next time, target for Better then Great pula ye. Kita doa byk2 pada Allah, sbb Allah Maha Baik dan Maha Kunfayakun.

YeZZZaaaaa never gv up ok!

Idea Input To Update The Doctors This August 2025

Assalamualaikum diri,

Salam subuh walaupun x solat subuh lagi sebab mau spill the idea input dekat sini dulu. Takut terlupa so perlu journaling dulu dekat sini supaya self-prep prior meeting w all the doctors soon akan jadi lebih matang, compacf, genius, impressive dan teratur structured. Aminn aminn, in sha Allah.

This month august 2025 bakal mengstresskan mental dan physical yeee. Kesemua medical appointment bakal di-follow up this month; starting w HTJ dulu on 7th, then Mind Matters on 12th and lasttly w Klinik Tan on 15th kot klu x silap. Jadi mmg perlu do the same skrip supaya sesi utk each tuh lancar dan less than 45min period.

Yoshhh! 

So antara rasa-rasa utk update nanti adalah:

1. Bulan 6: 

1) out emosi sbb pre-kematian, kematian dan pasca kematian of my bulus babies (a dog named blacky and a cat named luna; both female, suspected been poisoned w unknown substances and so ganggu saraf then sawan and paralysis then lastly die bye bye). Emosi rasa sgt2 down dan uselss sbb x menjaga amanah Allah dgn baik, jadi menangis heavily utk mmg ada for 1-2weeks.

2) still consume meds including xanax.

3) tidur ada hari x dpt tidur at all, and mostly hari tidur as usual by 10pm to 12pm sleep then wake up for an hour+, then sleep again from 1am+ to 3am+ and lastly, for 3am+ proceed do the brisk walking activity w other dogs sekitar neighbourhood. So total sleep during the night is +-4 hours total.

4) dari segi makan minum, kurang rasa selera makan dan hanya paksa diri utk makan sket utk lapik perut supaya kemudiannya dpt telan ubat pagi (for cymbalta), tghr (for xanax) dan malam (for cymbalta).

5) aktiviti swimming diteruskan as usual. Belajr sendiri without fizikal coach sbb x ready utk ada f2f session w any human.

6) ada family conflixt sedikit w my father sbb his red eyes symptoms. He didnt wanna go for checkup although for weeks (since may) suffering w the condition. Bergaduh cold war between me and him. Emosi rasa very extreme ‘koyak’ sgt dgn his subborness.

7) aktivity dalam rumah; dobi managed to get it done 1x in a month but major/weekly proper cleaning based on planning since last year dec still x dibuat. Tapi small2 daily cleaning dpt buat as usual. 

8) period awal sedikit drpd bulan May so masih observing which weeks yg betul2 rasa alive dan rasa died/no energy. 

Bulan 7 & 8 nnt later posting to do.

Jom solat subuh dulu.

Cheers.