Hari ke-14 swimming sendiri belajar yeayy

 Salam diri, 

Salam 30July2025. Today adalah hari ke-14 ye kita berjaya swimming tanpa any physical coach. Belajar swimming atas dasar ilmu from Tiktok online. Yes that’s us, the best among the best! Yezz. Sudah 2 minggu ek berjuang dalam pool tuh. Not bad nora, good job.

Since 28May2025 kita started the journey, and along the way till today was something kan. Mcm2 boderline dan comfort line kita dah langgar utk swimming ni. Not bad. Alhamdulillah kan Allah izinkan, yg penting alhamdulillah x lemas terukz dekat pool tuh. Dapatlah jaga air muka ni lagi dan x di-blacklist heheh. 

Doa2 makin maju dan skillful dlm hobi ini. This is a hobby that i hate and like at the same time. Rasa hate sbb mmg stressful 24/7 tau this sport, urghhhh! and semua yg swimming dekat pool tuh including kids are soooo pro arghhhhhhhhhh! Wtv, apa2 pun still ada rasa sbb i can make this journey sebagai a factual point ketika bercerita to doctors and others, it means that i did my homework myself utk cuba pulihkan dan bangkitkan diri drpd mental illness. Me to look as a useless person to them, nah ahhh nope me, im a fighter, everyone & mental illness pls take note hehehe.

And so, usaha akan tetap diteruskan dalam hobi air ini. Utk lebih masa dlm tahan nafas, utk lebih baik dalam treading water, utk lebih aktif dalam survival water dan utk lebih laju dlm berenang within 50mtr distance ke kan heheheh. Berangan itu free so why not kan berangan aje deh. 

Good job nora binti ismail. Thank you tau paksa diri utk this swimming journey ni. Thank you masih x gv up dan terus bergantung ketat pada Allah. Allah Maha Baik kan, always ingat tuh tau and remind others too. 

xoxo diri sendiri.

Xanax

Hi Hello diri,

Hari ni amek xanax 1mg (1pill), after makan nasi kak wok. It has been few weeks, since 1 July 2025 x amek xanax at all. That was the monthly goal utk july ni tapi rasanya x dapat meet that. Xpelah, ubat pun ada, jadi no saddy sgt lah diri. It s ok, demam panas hari selasa&raby then sakit area gerd berterusan sampai today hari khamis. Demam dah ok today tapi bukan sakit perut atas pusat, so mengikut firasat diri itu adalah gas anxiety. So makan ikhitar ajelah dgn xanax. Benda da ada. X ape, next month ada lagi utk cuba target Zero Xanax, in sha Allah. 

Walaupun rasa weird kenapa badan masih ada sisa anxiety yg overwhelming (sebab nothing to fear of dan tbh rasa steady ttg future), tapi i boleh tahu kenapa badan masih rasa highly unsettled:

1) anak2 bulus yg masih ada w me as of this hour: Stella (the only female cat), Bently, Loki, Oyen Fren, Fighter & Tasyriki; while for dogs: Doggi, Bonnie & Doggo sahaja. Knowing they will soon tinggalkan diri ini seperti Blacky dog & Luna cat by previous W3/4 of June rituh passed away, sedih hati ni nok. Pedih yg amat dan memory yg mmg minx doa mau dipadamkan segera dlm folder pintu otak ini. Tahu mereka yg sudah pergi tuh semua telah berada di tpt yg paling selamat & aman di sisi Allah, tapi sebagai parent/guardian yg menjaga anak, then diuji kehilangan anak mmg satu ujian yg perghhh. Sgt perghhh sakit dalam jiwa ni huhu. Pastu dgn keadaan badan masih rasa sejarah akan berulang, jadi itu yg masih rasa anxiety 

2) Badan kan baru lepas demam panas, jadi gas2 toxin drpd demam tuh kan masih ada dlm perut. Jadi biasalah bdn berangin hingga trigger the anxiety switches to ON semula

3) Otak asyik fikir utk practise swimming starting selasa rituh. Tapi sebabkan demam, x jadi sbb badan refused to comply. Then otak postpone ke rabu tapi the same thing badan x mau. Today pun badan x mau swimming dan x mau puasa sunat khamis, walaupun otak dah panjang meeting memikirkan ttg puasa sunat vs swimming vs dobi. Kesian otak, mmg this week anda kalah teruks. Badan wins. Tapi badan x lah win sgt sbb anxiety signal from otak also kene tempias dekat badan 

4) Period this july macam x berapa lancar seperti normal biasa dulu. Proses dari hari ke hari mcm lain sket from previous. Asbab kesan meds cymbalta & quetipine, excluding xanax perhaps. Boleh jadi. Rasanya gas toxin from proses period pun dapat triggerkan the anxiety switches to ON juga

5) Last month June, x gi urut pun. This month july masih xsure akan pergi or postpone ke august. Jadi sebabkan badan x diurut, jadi byk fatigue badan sana sini yg meresahkan/ meng-anxiety kan keadaan badan utk bekerja pada masa depan

Penat juga kan anxiety ni. Fear of future. Haih badan dan otak, sudah sudahlah. Allah kan ada. Let go and Let God kan. We made agreement sudah kan about this. Remember kan. So please. Step up masing2 punya game & get it alligned quickly. X moh lah mcm ginih lagi, jadikan pengajrn utk next month and Q4 2025. Kesian diri dan jiwa ini, pls work together utk nora binti ismail punya ultimate goal 2025 which s to be cleared from doctors so that can continue work by dec 2025 & onwards. Let’s we focus about that together ya. Kita masih ada

-august (will be meeting w all 3 docs)

-sept

-oct (will be meeting w all 3 docs)

-nov 

-dec (will be meeting w all 3 docs, get medical reports & get exam prior 23 Dec for Return To Work)

+swimming

+meds of cymbalta & quetipine for daily & xanax bila perlu

+house cleaning

+part time job?? From oct to dec??? Why not kan 

Xpelah, will see how. Selalu byk doa dan ckp dgn Allah tau diri. Please jgn sombong dgn Allah, just say it selalu w Him. Allah Maha Baik, Penyayang, Powerful & everything; so please just talk to Him ALWAYS ok! We got this, you got this. In sha Allah, aminn.

Love.

History Tracking for May, June & July 2025

Hi / Salam,

The list as below:———

Period tracking (not expecting):-

May: 18 May Sunday, isyak time

June: 13 June Friday, tahajud time

July: 10 July Thursday, zohor time

Derma darah tracking (with intention&planning):-

May: 18 May Sunday, zohor time  at Lotus S2= Failed due low bp but hb ok pass

June: 30 June Monday, duha time at HTJ Seremban, sunat fasting mode = Passed alhamdulillah, thank u Allah, yes yes 1st time in 2025, walaupun pegawai dan doktor cakap muka pucat, wtv

Aug or Oct: Next TBA depending on current body condition & self-confident

Appt sessions w AME Dr. Shireen from Klinik Tan Seremban (on planning & also couldnt proceed per planned):-

May: 23 May Friday, did meet up per planned

June: 20 June Friday, did not meet due to Blacky’s sudden death on 19 June Thursday tahajud time at vet oakland

June: 26 June Thursday, did not meet due to Luna’s sudden death on the same date tahajud time at rental home S2

June: 29 June Sunday, did not meet due to father’s eye ad-hoc planning during duha time at Optimax Specialist Clinic Seremban (wanted a quick check up for his eye redness symptom, been visible for 2 months+ unhealing, been waiting for his arrival at the clinic’s parking lot but father did not come afterall as he strongly suddenly refused the offer /“sidai” me at the clinic alone)

July: 11 July Friday, zohor time at Klinik Tan (current planning, unsure on the future outcome & most likely planning not to proceed since fear of period pain attacking hard on both 10 July & 11 July)

July: Next TBA depending current body condition & dr.’s availability

Appt session w Dr. Najib from Private Psy Facility Mind Matters PJ Selangor:-

May: Nil since on 15 April Thursday did meet up per planned

June: 5 June Thursday, duha time, did meet up but earlier from original plan in W2 of June (arranged earlier since that day was a long public holiday so family could help to drive me there)

July: Nil since wanted to focus on self-remedy&record (swimming practise, breathing, grounding, etc)

Aug: Next TBA depending on youngest sib’s availability to help drive me there

Appt session w Miss Hidayah Pegawai Perkeso SOCSO Seremban & Dr. from HTJ Seremban

June: 3 June Tuesday, duha time at Perkeso SOCSO Building Seremban

June: 12 June Thursday, zohor time, at Gov Facility Psy Clinic HTJ (on 17 April was meeting w the doc by alone & w/o Miss Hidayah since Dr. Shireen just kindly initiated/arranged this extension help w the 3rd Party from 23 May onwards)

August: 7 August Thursday, zohor time, at Gov Facility Psy Clinic HTJ, per current planning

Swimming self-practice (will not to swim during sunat fasting days & period menstrual days):-

May: 28 May, Tuesday, both AM & Afternoon sessions at S2 Kompleks Sukan

June: 17 June, Tueaday, AM session only due to sudden raining day in the afternoon at S2 Kompleks Sukan

June: 18 June, Wednesday, both AM & Afternoon sessions at S2 Kompleks Sukan (although during lunch time had send out dog Blacky for vet oakland’s prompt emergency treatment, suspected been poison)

June: 21 June, Saturday, Afternoon session only at S2 Kompleks Sukan since in the morning was sudden raining day

June: 22 June, Sunday, AM session only at S2 Kompleks Sukan due to heavy people forecasted projection

July: 1 July, Tuesday, Afternoon session only at S2 Kompleks Sukan since in the morning was sudden raining day

July: 4 July, Friday, both AM & Afternoon sessions at Paroi Public Swimming Pool Kompleks Sukan

July: 8 July, Tuesday, both AM & Afternoon sessions at S2 Kompleks Sukan (at the 12th session, baru boleh self-floating/ water trapping, OK gak aaa water confident at 2mtr depth & sustain swimming for 20-25mtr distant non-stop)

July: Next TBA, most likely on 15 July Tuesday/16 July Wednesday/ 17 July Thursday/18 July Friday when self in very low period flow condition

Meds consumption:-

Cymbalta (60mg =1 big full pill) : Everyday had consumed only 1 big pill per day due to self-wondering on new data & new observation record would be (previously in early May & earlier on months did consumed for 2 big pills per day based on medical advise)

Xanax (1mg =1 small full pill) : Some days had consumed 2mg per day depending on self-needy for wanted to well-survive the day

Quetiapine (50mg =half (1/2) very small cut pill) : Some nights had consumed 100mg per night which had caused a quick sleep initiation which it was a helpful sign but when wake up had felt full anasthesia&numb feeling towards whole physical body condition, but can get a deep sleep by not knowing/realizing it was a dream & also the sleeping hours still similar/had improved a bit from the previous data (sleep for less than 3hours, and sudden wake up, and then sleep back for less than 2hours =Total cummulative hours can sleep about 4-5 hours per night)

That’s all yang ingat as of this minute.

Dah penat to recall.

Done for today.

Cheers.