2021, Diary#14

 Dear mind,

The thinking about mr nomad, still ada. Walaupun the heart feels nothing skrg, tp kau masih infleunce the body system ttg pro and cons when can be with mr nomad. Why must you do that? Penat tau this repetitive ending process, walhal the result might be unchanged which is nora and mr nomad wont be compatible and thus, nothing to happen.

Sudah2 la tuh ye mind, pls stop it. Byk lagi perkara utk fikirkan, hafalkan dan ingatkan. Ok if you dont trust me, we develop a list about non-compatibility concern between nora and mr nomad ok:

The list is listed as below as minimum but not limited to:

1. He never reach me again since the last meeting in KLIA, 2020 (it shows that he is x berani, x berminat, x rasa ada keperluan utk memikat nora)

2. His circle such as family and friends yg nora xtahu at all their characters and soul, yg nora xdpt engage and feel connected positively (it shows that he creates unsafe and non comfort surronding utk nora which is no no for her soul healthness)

3. His working bosses yg nora masih xboleh move on about the fitnah kes in 2020 walaupun dah maafkan from the heart (it shows that he might be bias and belahkan his bosses sbb utamakan kerjaya drpd nora as what a corporate environment works)

4. His financial status yg xpasti akan ke stabilan nye and nora wajibkan si suami utk bg nafkah yg baik jumlahnya setiap bulan ( target:rm1k and above per month ) dan juga a house yg safe, nice, tenang dan xterikat dgn beban hutang bank yg tinggi (it shows that he is in 50-50 status, so very not convincing utk nora)

5. His physical look and fitness is way too better than nora, jadi akan jd bahan lawak bagi nora bila berdampingan dengan dia ( it shows that nora feels so insecure dan ini sgtlah tidak baik utk her mind state )

So mind, it is a clear cut now kan, yg you sbnrnye dont have to keep playing about mr nomad's topic in the head. If you still degil, my fingers will keep repeating the abovementioned list over and over again until you accept and redha. Mind, please, we have to support nora. Support into jalan dan pilihan yg baik2 dan diredhai Allah. Please ok.

2021, Diary#13

 Nora,

Words below yg kau perlu neutralize supaya xdah feeling attach with 'him':

1. Adam

2. Sabah

3. Chemical

Laa, sket aje the list hahahaha. As of now, mampu fikir yg 3 itu aje, laa xbyk pun the killer words, ceit hahaha. Rasa boleh ni nora utk ignore dan hapuskan terus any remaining attachments tuh sbb xbyk pun sebenarnya. Jadi selama ni, about a year + meeting 'him' kat klia in 2020, rupanya the mind sendiri telah manipulate dan mempermaikan kau nora. What a bullshit mind! As always.

What if ada pistol skrg ni, mmg akan shoot this mind. Ajar sket, itu makanannye. Tp xboleh skrg sbb xde any gun and xrasa ada keperluan utk shutdown kan sekali all the organs yg xbersalah. Yg culprit nye hanyalah the bullshit mind!

Dah la recent farewell Lee Kwang So, the mind influenced kau utk grieve dan sedih sampai kau almost relapse into the 'old dark room' again. A month juga kau on off on off in depresi kan nora. Puncanya, kau nye minda sgtlah rude and wild. Bila your mind thinks and feels yg dia lah plg power among other organs or even you nora, maka beginilah resultnye such as:

1. suicidal thinking on off on off &

2. 'him' thinking sampai masuk mimpi lepas subuh yg 'he' simply played your heart mcm bodoh kau rasa dlm your own dream

What a mind! Haishhhh hate you mind! 

So kene buat sth ni nora, to educate, guide or force your own mind to listen you, not otherwise.

Please, you yg lead and control all organs in the body system. Jgn mengalah. In sha Allah, akan dpt kesudahan yg baik utk kematian dan akhirat yg kau idamkan.

Please, keep talking and praying to Allah, zikir2 dan selawat kerap setiap hari walaupun kau selalu buat dosa2 yg Islam kata jgn, tp kau tetap buat. Itu memang memalukan, nih nak menulis kat sini pun amatlah memalukan. Cuma nak bg reminder utk istighfar setiap hari walapun dosa lebih byk dr zikir/selawat. Sebab Allah sgtlah baik, Tuhan yg sgt berkuasa dan hanya Dia yg pegang hati hamba2Nya. Always believe that ok nora.

2021, Diary#12

 Cara-cara mati dengan cepat (most likely) tapi tragis:

- terjun dr tpt yg sgt tinggi

- telan pil tidur yg sgt byk

- kepala ditembak

Dan semua cara itu akan menyusahkan org2 yg meguruskan jenazah kau nnt nora. Confirm busuk, meloyakan dan menyusahkan mayat kau nnt, jadi itu fakta bukan auto yg suicide act tuh xada bawa apa2 kebaikan. Kau pun xnak susahkan org2 kan jadi teruslah lawan kehendak suicidal thought ko tuh ye. Walaupun most of your days masih ada lagi that suicidal thought, masih segar dan rasa berkobar2 nak act, tapi xperlulah ye. Please nora, jangan ada perasaan berani nak act. 

That kind of action memang akan membusukkan, memberatkan dan menghitamkan mayat kau nanti. Kau nye one of dreams utk Allah izinkan keadaan mayat kau nnt wangi, ringan sangat dan cerah kan. So, teruskan berdoa ttg itu ye. X ape, kerap doa yg itu selalu, in sha Allah akan kurangkan that suicidal thought ok. 

I know you nora because I am you kan and you are me. Since kecil lagi kau mmg salahkan diri ni sebab tragedi 1990 tuh. Sampai sekarang dan most likely sampai hembusan terakhir that kind of feeling (bersalah musnahkan life mama abah adik beradik, burden kan org, vius kan org) akan wujud sokmo dalam minda ni. Nak buat macam mana kan, the programming and computer setting dah start gituh kan. Tapi, kau masih boleh re-program and hack the existing system nih, in sha Allah, boleh nora setting2 and adjust minda nih into a better setting. Just kene berusaha dan berusaha aje ok. Allah ada ok. Doa doa the loved ones especially mama dan abah masih ada, jadi kau kene give back by doing usaha dan usaha in return. Jangan jd org yg xberbudi dan xfhm bahasa. Please, no no ok.

It is ok nora, it is ok, kau memang xboleh nak delete that suicidal thought terus from the mind, tapi as long as kau x act into it, syukur sgt2. It is ok, keep doa minx perlindungan Allah dan kerap selawat ke atas Rasulullah dan keluarga baginda. And hv faith yg those dzikir and selawat wilp beautify your place in jannah. Keep picturing jannah dengan anak2 bulus yg sedang tunggu serta arwah2 yg dah dijemputNya awal dan will be together with the loved ones in happily ever after.

Allah ada, Allah baik sgt jadi terus yakin dan percaya dengan Allah dan Rasulullah ok nora. Allah yang pegang hati setiap makhluk ciptaanNya termasuk hati kau nora. Jd kerap doa pada Allah agar hati kau Allah jadikan yg baik2 aje dan sentiasa dlm jalan yg benar sampai hembusan nafas kau terakhir. Aminn Aminn.