2021, Diary#17

Just to recap my dream about self harming recently (or somewhere in nov 2021). The 2nd time i did something not common to my badan in the dream. Last time, i dreamt about cutting my wrist kan. And this time around the dream was about stabbing my stomach. Wow kan, wow. Got lots of blood. Tapi kalau x silap ingat, perbuatan waktu itu was very spontaneous dan atas kehendak sendiri. Tapi x ingat kenapa dan apa sebab trigger nye mcm gituh.

Apa2 ajelah. Teruskan doa yg baik2 aje lah.

Hate but Love

Dear me,

Both us know that you

Hate writing. Hate memorizing. Hate living.

But love Allah, love Rasulullah & his family friends, love siblings, love opah, love extended families, love besties and love pets so so much.

Hate every memory about mukaddam.

But love to think 'what if' and anything possibilities between me and him.

Hate any future planning for my core circle as if they will no leave me behind.

But love to feel the calmness for every imagination been created.

In conclusion, i hate me. Super hate myself. Still hating this me. Due to many reasons, e.g. as the above (very conflicting). Fool. The end.