Just to recap my dream about self harming recently (or somewhere in nov 2021). The 2nd time i did something not common to my badan in the dream. Last time, i dreamt about cutting my wrist kan. And this time around the dream was about stabbing my stomach. Wow kan, wow. Got lots of blood. Tapi kalau x silap ingat, perbuatan waktu itu was very spontaneous dan atas kehendak sendiri. Tapi x ingat kenapa dan apa sebab trigger nye mcm gituh.
Apa2 ajelah. Teruskan doa yg baik2 aje lah.
1. Confirm kene agama lagi solid than me
2. Monthly pendptn (cash in) available no issue
3. Saving yg strong
4. Beban hutang managable
5. Love me more than others
6. Family man
7. Ada rupa sket
8. Boleh lead me wisely & softly
9. Suka buat kerja rumah
10. Suka clingy with me more than others
In sha Allah, semoga Allah izinkan dan guidekan ke arah jalan yg lebih Dia berkati, aminn.
We are not compatible. - Sedih, masih rasa terkilan ttg status dan hakikat antara saya dan 'awak'. What a memory, betul2 'awak' wanted so badly to meet sbb others and not because of the compatibility sense. Aduh, heheh, ingatkan ada kesinambungan cerita, tp rupanya 'awak' dan 'ham ham 10 tahun' adalah sekadar kenalan dlm hidup ini. What a memory. Wondering my romantic relationship mcm mn nnt rasanye, bentuknya, logiknye especially compatibility nye. Allahu Akbar, Ar Rahman Ar Rahim, doa2 Allah izinkan aku utk memasuki alam perkahwinan yg berkat dan diredhai Allah dan Allah kurniakan aku pengalaman romatik2 ni sepanjang perkahwinan nnt, aminn. Aku perlukan perkahwinan kerana Allah.
Tapi, masih takut sebab diri. Disebabkan keadaan mental dan emosi yg masih xkuat imannye terutama bab kematian org tersyg, takut2 apabila that test hits again during the marriage life, kesannye might impact the husband and/or kids. Allahu Akbar. Allah, im scared and confuse. Mcm mn ni ya Allah.
Please welcome me "in", ya Allah, to your side. Itu the ultimate cara utk ill "go" w/o feeling so painful inside anymore, under Your terms, ya Allah. Yes, i wanted and need to get married but the desire to "go" is higher. Looking forward to be invited to the hereafter before my loved ones supaya i can feel assured and feel no pain. Eventhough xde rezeki kahwin di dunia ini i think i feel ok sbb dpt the "invitation" dulu sebelum my parents, siblings, besties & closed relatives. Doa2 sgt xmasuk neraka tapi dapat lepak2 stay with org2 yg beriman dan my loved ones terutama my beautiful cats, until Hari Kiamat tiba. Dan doa sgt2, lepas tuh terus masuk syurga dan bukan neraka. Xnak neraka, ya Allah, please, seeking Your mercy, please. Xnak neraka, xnak.
Guide me and my loved ones sentiasa ye ya Allah, please have mercy to us. Love You ya Allah, help us and please dont leave us. I need You. Please forgive me, Allah. Please fogive my loved ones, Allah.
Today niat puasa sunat Hari Arafah dan combine dgn niat puasa sunat Hari Isnin. Hope can sustain till buka puasa sbb dah lama dah xpuasa sunat ni. Aminn.
Am thinking about the recent dream. Bukanlah nightmare, dan serabut. Cuma cant stop thinking about it. In that dream, i had courage to self-harm by cutting the left wrist with a sharp knife. Waktu tuh, yg i remember tgh marah dan upset pada seseorang sbb seseorang itu was so sad sbb baru kehilangan the loved ones and then dia wanted to self-harm and suicide. But never did, cuma menangis so hard and acted histeria utk suicide. Dan pada waktuh itu, i felt so annoyed dan i picked a sharp knife then terus cut my pergelangan tangan kiri ni by shouting to that person yg i did it, so you can do it if you really really want it. Tp dia xbuat apa2 kot lepas saw my action and then my blood keluar from my wrist dengan warna merah yg pekat dan byk darah. Sebelum dealing with that person, waktu tu i just knew yg my loved ones dah 'pergi'. So it was the courage or trigger point why I was so brave to cut my left wrist without fikir dulu. I just buat tanpa segan2 dan malu2, 'just do' the self-harm in front of those people in the dream.
Wow, so wow kan. Sbb rasa wow, perasaan berani to act and 'just act it' tuh dah physically happen in the dream. Sebelum ni, xde this kind of dream tau. That was the first, and thus, wow.
Doa dan terus berdoa pada Allah yang Maha Kuasa, yang Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang untuk sentiasa lindungi diri ini dan my loved ones supaya sentiasa dalam pilihan hidup yang baik2 dan diberkati, janganlah jalan yg salah mengikut emosi dan permainan syaitan, sehinggalah ke akhirat kelak. Aminn, aminn.
Dear mind,
The thinking about mr nomad, still ada. Walaupun the heart feels nothing skrg, tp kau masih infleunce the body system ttg pro and cons when can be with mr nomad. Why must you do that? Penat tau this repetitive ending process, walhal the result might be unchanged which is nora and mr nomad wont be compatible and thus, nothing to happen.
Sudah2 la tuh ye mind, pls stop it. Byk lagi perkara utk fikirkan, hafalkan dan ingatkan. Ok if you dont trust me, we develop a list about non-compatibility concern between nora and mr nomad ok:
The list is listed as below as minimum but not limited to:
1. He never reach me again since the last meeting in KLIA, 2020 (it shows that he is x berani, x berminat, x rasa ada keperluan utk memikat nora)
2. His circle such as family and friends yg nora xtahu at all their characters and soul, yg nora xdpt engage and feel connected positively (it shows that he creates unsafe and non comfort surronding utk nora which is no no for her soul healthness)
3. His working bosses yg nora masih xboleh move on about the fitnah kes in 2020 walaupun dah maafkan from the heart (it shows that he might be bias and belahkan his bosses sbb utamakan kerjaya drpd nora as what a corporate environment works)
4. His financial status yg xpasti akan ke stabilan nye and nora wajibkan si suami utk bg nafkah yg baik jumlahnya setiap bulan ( target:rm1k and above per month ) dan juga a house yg safe, nice, tenang dan xterikat dgn beban hutang bank yg tinggi (it shows that he is in 50-50 status, so very not convincing utk nora)
5. His physical look and fitness is way too better than nora, jadi akan jd bahan lawak bagi nora bila berdampingan dengan dia ( it shows that nora feels so insecure dan ini sgtlah tidak baik utk her mind state )
So mind, it is a clear cut now kan, yg you sbnrnye dont have to keep playing about mr nomad's topic in the head. If you still degil, my fingers will keep repeating the abovementioned list over and over again until you accept and redha. Mind, please, we have to support nora. Support into jalan dan pilihan yg baik2 dan diredhai Allah. Please ok.
Nora,
Words below yg kau perlu neutralize supaya xdah feeling attach with 'him':
1. Adam
2. Sabah
3. Chemical
Laa, sket aje the list hahahaha. As of now, mampu fikir yg 3 itu aje, laa xbyk pun the killer words, ceit hahaha. Rasa boleh ni nora utk ignore dan hapuskan terus any remaining attachments tuh sbb xbyk pun sebenarnya. Jadi selama ni, about a year + meeting 'him' kat klia in 2020, rupanya the mind sendiri telah manipulate dan mempermaikan kau nora. What a bullshit mind! As always.
What if ada pistol skrg ni, mmg akan shoot this mind. Ajar sket, itu makanannye. Tp xboleh skrg sbb xde any gun and xrasa ada keperluan utk shutdown kan sekali all the organs yg xbersalah. Yg culprit nye hanyalah the bullshit mind!
Dah la recent farewell Lee Kwang So, the mind influenced kau utk grieve dan sedih sampai kau almost relapse into the 'old dark room' again. A month juga kau on off on off in depresi kan nora. Puncanya, kau nye minda sgtlah rude and wild. Bila your mind thinks and feels yg dia lah plg power among other organs or even you nora, maka beginilah resultnye such as:
1. suicidal thinking on off on off &
2. 'him' thinking sampai masuk mimpi lepas subuh yg 'he' simply played your heart mcm bodoh kau rasa dlm your own dream
What a mind! Haishhhh hate you mind!
So kene buat sth ni nora, to educate, guide or force your own mind to listen you, not otherwise.
Please, you yg lead and control all organs in the body system. Jgn mengalah. In sha Allah, akan dpt kesudahan yg baik utk kematian dan akhirat yg kau idamkan.
Please, keep talking and praying to Allah, zikir2 dan selawat kerap setiap hari walaupun kau selalu buat dosa2 yg Islam kata jgn, tp kau tetap buat. Itu memang memalukan, nih nak menulis kat sini pun amatlah memalukan. Cuma nak bg reminder utk istighfar setiap hari walapun dosa lebih byk dr zikir/selawat. Sebab Allah sgtlah baik, Tuhan yg sgt berkuasa dan hanya Dia yg pegang hati hamba2Nya. Always believe that ok nora.
Cara-cara mati dengan cepat (most likely) tapi tragis:
- terjun dr tpt yg sgt tinggi
- telan pil tidur yg sgt byk
- kepala ditembak
Dan semua cara itu akan menyusahkan org2 yg meguruskan jenazah kau nnt nora. Confirm busuk, meloyakan dan menyusahkan mayat kau nnt, jadi itu fakta bukan auto yg suicide act tuh xada bawa apa2 kebaikan. Kau pun xnak susahkan org2 kan jadi teruslah lawan kehendak suicidal thought ko tuh ye. Walaupun most of your days masih ada lagi that suicidal thought, masih segar dan rasa berkobar2 nak act, tapi xperlulah ye. Please nora, jangan ada perasaan berani nak act.
That kind of action memang akan membusukkan, memberatkan dan menghitamkan mayat kau nanti. Kau nye one of dreams utk Allah izinkan keadaan mayat kau nnt wangi, ringan sangat dan cerah kan. So, teruskan berdoa ttg itu ye. X ape, kerap doa yg itu selalu, in sha Allah akan kurangkan that suicidal thought ok.
I know you nora because I am you kan and you are me. Since kecil lagi kau mmg salahkan diri ni sebab tragedi 1990 tuh. Sampai sekarang dan most likely sampai hembusan terakhir that kind of feeling (bersalah musnahkan life mama abah adik beradik, burden kan org, vius kan org) akan wujud sokmo dalam minda ni. Nak buat macam mana kan, the programming and computer setting dah start gituh kan. Tapi, kau masih boleh re-program and hack the existing system nih, in sha Allah, boleh nora setting2 and adjust minda nih into a better setting. Just kene berusaha dan berusaha aje ok. Allah ada ok. Doa doa the loved ones especially mama dan abah masih ada, jadi kau kene give back by doing usaha dan usaha in return. Jangan jd org yg xberbudi dan xfhm bahasa. Please, no no ok.
It is ok nora, it is ok, kau memang xboleh nak delete that suicidal thought terus from the mind, tapi as long as kau x act into it, syukur sgt2. It is ok, keep doa minx perlindungan Allah dan kerap selawat ke atas Rasulullah dan keluarga baginda. And hv faith yg those dzikir and selawat wilp beautify your place in jannah. Keep picturing jannah dengan anak2 bulus yg sedang tunggu serta arwah2 yg dah dijemputNya awal dan will be together with the loved ones in happily ever after.
Allah ada, Allah baik sgt jadi terus yakin dan percaya dengan Allah dan Rasulullah ok nora. Allah yang pegang hati setiap makhluk ciptaanNya termasuk hati kau nora. Jd kerap doa pada Allah agar hati kau Allah jadikan yg baik2 aje dan sentiasa dlm jalan yg benar sampai hembusan nafas kau terakhir. Aminn Aminn.
Ya Allah, jodohku bagaimana ye? Still wondering siapakah geranannye, agamanye, adabnye, akhlaknye, kematanganye, romantisnye, dan yg penting, his loved ones mcm mn circle nye. Ya Allah, rasenye i can welcome marriage for myself sebab rasa sgt2 seronok bila tgk cerita2 romantis and kisah2 love in the air nih. My doa is to get jodoh cepat dengan psgn hidup yg compatible dan ada ciri2 husband material, family man dan boleh jadi best friend. Ya Allah, seeking your kind guidance and consent in this ok.
Suka2 sgt fikir dan feeling2 skrg ni, walaupun pg td dan mlm smlm was in very2 low mood. 'That me' was there, mungkin sbb sgt2 terkesan pasal kes israel buli palestin. Tapi skrg ni dah xde dah sbb masih feeling2 ada jodoh whereby that lelaki sungguh betul2 serius nak dan perlukan diri ini dlm hidupnye. Wah, seronok berangan ni kan. Xpe, berangan sambil doa pada Allah sebab Allah Maha Berkuasa, Maha Penyayang dan Pengasih. I believe in Allah, in sha Allah.
Kahwin kerana Allah, utk sempurnakan iman pada Allah. Walaupun ada sebab lain utk my marriage life nnt, iaitu utk mantapkan support system family ni supaya my family skrg ni akan rasa xkehilangan even i dah pergi pada anak2 bulus dan arwah loved ones. Sebenarnye, lagi berharap utk pergi drpd geting settle down, tapi angan2 tuh xberapa baik utk iman kan. Jadi, kene belajar pasang angan2 dan doa pada hal2 yg might ada kebaikan in future kan. Pls fogive me ya Allah.
Yup, my suicidal thinking is still ada and my wishes utk terus tidur tanpa wake up pun ada, but in sha Allah, my choice is to choose apa2 jalan ke arah pahala collection and saham akhirat supaya moga2 dpt masuk ke jannah-Mu dgn sgt2 senang dan seronoknye, seperti hamba2-Mu yg telah syahid di jalan-Mu seperti rakyat palestin. Jeles sgt dgn mereka sbb in sha Allah syurga dah confirm booking dah tuh. Best nye, di dunia their reputation dipandang hormat pada rata2 org di bumi ni dan later in akhirat juga akan dpt segala kebaikan disebabkan jihad di jalan Allah. Jeles2 and the sametime rasa segan, malu, moodless utk raya dan sgt2 helpless bila berlaku semulanye kes penindasan besar-besaran oleh israel jahanam kpd palestine ni. What can i do? Nothing sbb no power. Cuma doa pada-Mu shj lah ya Allah. Tapi tu pun rasa insecure and xyakin dgn doa2 yg dibuat sbb sejauh mana ikhlas dan quality nye my doa2 tuh?
Nora, nora. Entahlah. Mmg diri ni jenis hipokrit, xamanah, xdisiplin dan most of negative habits tuh mmg masih ada dlm diri ni walapun xsehebat golongan alim ulama' dan orng2 yg kuat iman serta taqwanye. Tapi, nak juga masih ada rasa jihad tuh ada dlm diri ni sbb nak sgt2 masuk syurga dgn senang lenang nnt. Sbb rindu sgt2 pada anak2 bulus; nur kakak, haha, upin, ipin, alang, mak, mak terbeliak, oren dan lain2 xingt nama2 huhu tp masih ingt memori2 bersama tuh. Rasa seronok dan senang hati, tapi itu semua akan jd permenant kat syurga nnt. Jd thats y kene harus perlu ada jihad dlm diri dan berusaha berusaha utk kumpul pahala.
Cuma tulah risau, if pahala xnak kat kita, habislah. Mcm mn nak jd klu bertepuk sebelah tngn kan. Dgn Al-Quran pun dah segan gler ni sbb xbaca2 since surah At-Taubah time ramadhan rituh. Entah2 Al-Quran pun xsuka perangai tahi ayam oya ni. Haih, nora nora. Xpelah, bykkn doa ye nora binti ismail, di samping berusaha apa yg patut ye. Please ye, jgn putus doa ok. Allah sentiasa ada, jd rajinkan zikir dan selawat pada Rasulullah dan kaum kerabat baginda. Xpe, xpe, boleh boleh ye nora. It is ok, ok.
Malam ke 27 Ramadhan, and i am on my period. In sha Allah akan period sampai raya next week. Jadi kesimpulan utk menggantikan puasa nnt akan jadi 7hari sbb awal2 ramadhan pun dah period. Walapun rasa terkilan and predictable, tapi lagi rasa terkilan sbb xdpt khatam al-Quran. Hanya mampu read few juzuk and then stop at surah at-Taubah yg surahnya xde bacaan basmallah pada inttoductionnye. Patutnya boleh pulun tapi malas. I believe my laziness did cause it, bukan my that shitty feeling. Alhamdulillah, rasa much better in managing that shitty feeling for recent days walaupun the wish utk 'tutup mata terus ketika tidur and terus dpt together with anak2 yg dah pergi tuh kan lagi baik, kot' is still playing on off in this mind, but it is ok. So far still ok and hopefully the next day and in future, in sha Allah lagi lagi matang dan kuat utk tetap memilih dan melakukan apa2 yg Allah suka walaupun ujian lagi berat dek akal dan jiwa seperti kematian the loved ones. Ya Allah, pls forgive me and my loved ones, and pls help us all in dunia and akhirat. Pls, hope You always bless us all dengan kekuatan dlm yg mantap dan betul. Aku mmg xkuat, ya Allah. Aku takut dgn diri sendiri sbb aku masih xdpt nak syg diri ku ini, sbb rasa xde keperluan utk itu. Jadi, really really need your blessing, guidance and love at all times, pls Allah, pls help me.
Ya Allah, terima kasih tau sebab gerakkan hati adikku nur ain binti ismail utk ikut ke kelas muzik tghr td. For her ukulele 1st lesson session. Her teacher is Cikgu Alvin from Sabah. When she mentioned about sabah, teringat kat dia. How is he doing kan, he is a kind and sweet person. Ada ciri2 husband material and family man mungkin. Sayang sbb kami mcm xde jodoh. Cikgu Alvin pulak dah ada cincin kat jari, ain yg cakap. Walapun ain mcm suka dgn this ukulele belajar thing with her music teacher, tp deep down i can feel yg she is still struggle with her shitty feeling. She can't be happy from inside in natural way, same like me. Kesian adik aku tu, ya Allah. I feel helpless, still, so really need you kind buy-in in this matter ya Allah. Utk selalu gerakkan hati aku, ain dan the loved ones ke arah jalan yg bukan sesat tapi ke arah jalan yg baik2 shj. Boleh kan ya Allah, Kau Maha Besar, Kau Maha Pengasih dan Penyayang, dan Kau pemegang unggul pada kalimat 'kun faya kun', jadi dgn itu aku sgt percaya, beriman dan perpegang teguh pada Mu ya Allah. Hope You dont hate me.
Sebab kalau Allah dan Rasulullah benci aku, alamatnya nak masuk syurga dgn easy peasy mmg xde la gayanya. Xboleh xboleh ginih. Nak xnak, kene kuatkan usaha dan perbanyakkan doa pada kebanyakan waktu. Kalau nak setiap waktu tuh, mcm payah sbb i am only human~
Xpe nora, cuba dan cuba. Zikir, selawat dan doa setiap hari walaupun baca al-Quran masih xde rutin yg jelas. It is ok, ok nora. Allah ada, the loved ones masih around and yg penting, your mind is stable and ok. Pls keep fighting ok, even it feels no value and not worthy, but just do and get it done. Apa2 kerja yg masih xdiselesaikan, just do and get it done with lots of talking to Allah, in sha Allah. Doa aje yg baik2 ye nora.
I think, i need to open up and welcome marriage in planning. I need to be married, i need it instead of want it. Sebab, the wild thinking is coming back and i feel sick of it. It is sinful, so no pahala in my akhirat account. Macam mana nak masuk syurga dgn senang kalau ginih, Allahu Akbar. The solution to can have the wild thinking and at the sametime can also get pahala is to get married. Need to get married. Then, solve problem. But the marriage life is not the temporary mesure, nak tak nak, have to commit. When salah perform in the commitment, alamatnya there will be additional dosa pula. Allahu Akbar, mcm mn ni. I know i need a husband for performing and activating the production or sexuality execution concept, but it is not only main topic need to focus. Ada byk lg ilmu and adab kene faham dan belajar ttg topik2 yg pelbagai dalam rumah tangga. Allahu Akbar, Allhumma solli a'ala saidina Muhammad wa a'ala saidina Muhammad. Macam mana ni ya Allah, seeking your guidance on this jodoh, marriage and the wild thinking matter. I dont want to add anymore sin in the current list, sebab nak sgt dpt dijemput dgn cepat dan mudah ke sisi-Mu then dpt jumpa anak2 bulus dan the loved ones e.g. arwah nenek, arwah atuk; yg sedang menunggu di sana.
Or the other solution for this is to kill yourself. Tapi itu forbidden in Islam and many more religions kan. I wish but forbidden. It is an effective shorcut what, i still believe it, tapi tulah. I am sellfish and confirm akan sedihkan mama abah and many more loved ones. Dan yg pasti, family reputation akan jadi burul dan hina sebab my sellfishness. Is that a word, sellfishness? wtv. So nora binti ismail, pls keep fighting, praying and dzikir, in sha Allah, in sha Allah, in sha Allah.
Help me Allah, and help my family and the loved ones dunia akhirat ya Allah. Harap yg baik2 aje to be happened, aminn aminn.
Sorry, Ain, my little sister. Sorry sebab i am the person yg masih Ain x boleh nak open up. Sorry sebab Ain ke ER, HTJ Seremban smlm ptg sampai 10mlm smlm by alone. Sorry sebab Ain masih struggle dlm fighting the stupid invisible thing despite dah consume pil2 given by psy. Rupanya masih xsembuh significantly, sorry sebab Ain masih feels miserable inside. I love you and all of us love you, Ain. Ya Allah, please help Ain on this matter and seeking your guidance, blessing, forgiveness as well as protection for Ain's health and her choices in life.
Sebelum menjelang tgh mlm smlm, did practise keyboard tapi fingering teknik still mcm hampeh. And yg lagi hampeh, sengaja minum coke masa buka puasa+ x amek flutiform+still ada fikiran ttg en nomad+ada niat nak buat work but x buat pun mlm smlm + still ada low mood momment.
Despite of those stuffs tuh, suprisingly i felt a bit calmer + lighter this body system ni. Sudoku level Xpert pun mcm senang nak selesaikan. Sebab apa tau, mungkin sebab x rasa serabut sgt dah ttg en nomad since whatsapp conversation with leena, my closed officemate. Her question was suprisingly deep, such as "Is he special for you?" My answer in my mind which suprisingly can kill the voice in my mind, "CONFIRM LA TAK, HONESTLY, WHAT SPECIAL, DAA." Then, she strongly advises me to anggap aje he is one of my regular friends, which i feel so true and legit and effective. Of course he is just an acquitance or very regular friend kan. Until now, my body system mcm dah dpt digest those deep statements from Leena, which i feel content sbb dpt beat up my 'stubborn side'.
Thanks babe Leena, my prayer for you is hope that Allah will always protect and bless you and family, aminn aminn. Also my prayer for me is hope that Allah secure this clam feeling every day as well as improve the thinking situation related to en nomad. He is a good guy and has lots of quality of husband material, in sha Allah, but because of my declaration of kosong-kosong last year & nothing efforts from his side, it definitely is clear cut definition yg I could not be his lady. Me and en nomad are x compatible with each other, like what Hestie did mention years back ago. She was right, though. I am x good looking type lady, x perform enough in PPA Petronas every year, still sick in and out, still cannot know how to love myself, x saving, still unfinish master study, berat badan overweight and many more. Oppositely, en nomad is better than me from kebykn segi, i belive that.
So nora binti ismail, please ok, keep fighting for betterment in and out ok. In sha Allah, ada jodoh, ada lah ye, terus doa jodoh yg compatible dan baik2 utk dunia dan akhirat. Importantly, get back focus and energy for finishing master's project as well as langsaikan 'hutang2' task kerja yg sedia ada. Selalu istighfar, selawat dan zikir sambil2 berdoa pada Allah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, sebab Allah shj yg pegang hati setiap makhluk nye, bukan manusia tapi Allah. Sayang Allah, sayang Rasulullah.
Sudah seminggu consume flutiform, 4× daily puff, and xamek ventolin pun lagi, since last week monday nye KPJ asthma appointment. Syukur, but still believe yg this is not a permenant solution, but xapelah, layankan aje la kan. Sbb another 3 weeks, need to go KPJ lagi, for follow up. So, nak xnak, kene layankan juga flutiform (kot namanye hahah) yg ada steroid ni and kumuh2 after pengambilan. Klu x kumuh2, most likely ulser ada. Leceh, tp what to do.
What to do, what to do, what to do.
Migrain kerap kali attack kat belah blkg kepala bahagian kanan shj ni, the suicidal thinking (jump off tpt yg tinggi, pasal ape entah) pun masih ada berlegar2 dlm minda ni, dan the 'en nomad' thinking pun masih kerap kali dan berlegar2 dlm minda ini.
Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar
Selawat ke atas Nabi Muhammad S.A.W
Ni mesti diri ni masih berharap he reaches me again, in magical way and charming style. Ceit, what an impossible hope. Sudah setahun since the meeting at KLIA, he never reach anything. Plus, sudah declare kosong-kosong kan, so, what are you still hoping for nora binti ismail? Please, please and please. " What if he has mutual feeling? What if he also rindu separuh nyawa? What if he always check my status at every social media e.g. whatsApp, MT, Skype, Facebook. What if he loves me deeply? What if, what if?" Penat la ginih nora binti ismail, xpenat ke.
Allah, please help me. I am always at yout mercy, at all times. Pity me. I know and makin aware yg perkahwinan akan dpt automatik menyempurnakan separuh iman seseorang, and so, I wanted it so bad. Sbb nye, i nak and perlukan that utk ke syurgaMu dgn mudah, in sha Allah. Tapi, tulah, en nomad doesnt desire me, my family background in parenting did show not so wise / inspiring approach at all times and importantly, i dont know still dont know how to love myself so mcm.mn nak sayang org lain? Allah, aku istikharah padaMu. Jodoh atau maut, whichever yg Kau rasa terbaik utk diri ini, seeking your guidance please.
Still, i am hoping that:
1. I die before my loved ones go
2. When i die, my mayat and soul relax2, wangi, smile sokmo and in peace with people in faith
3. Prior my death, en nomad will reach me again and will put a great effort utk kenal hati budi masing2 with niat utk settle down with me
4. If not en nomad be the true one, there is another guy to take those actions
5. Sametime, my master study pun dpt selesai sebaiknye
6. Sametime, my tasks in work pun dpt dilakukan seeloknye
7. Sametime, my family sentiasa hidup dlm keimanan, ketakwaan dan ketenangan yg betul mengikut cara Islam yg betul
8. I wanted so bad utk meet and live again with my kids e.g. nur kakak, alang, upin, ipin, haha, mak, mak terbeliak, didi and many more anak2 bulus yg i sgt sgt syg, ya Allah. Missing them so much, xsbr that day to come. Angah, ya Allah, izinkan aku pergi sebelum angah pergi ye, izinkan aku pergi dlm iman ye, please
Love you Allah, really do. Love Allah and Rasulullah. Please forgive me, ya Allah. I am sorry.
Now at KPJ, Seremban for covid swab test, then if negative so can proceed with lung assessment.
After that, need to update AME panel in nilai for final conclusion whether fit or not fit for offshore.
All these processes sbb did declare masa isi borang medical status kat kat panel clinic nilai tuh. The declaration of asthma, migrain and depression. Suprisingly, only astma yg that AME sgt concern kan walhal my feeling and thinking yg migrain attack and depression whatsoever ni lagi2 concerning kot. But he kept concerning about astma condition, so funny.
Most likely, he is a person from group of people yang lebih selesa deal dgn benda yg norm and typical likelihood for death. But migrain and depression are so-so and manageable. So funny sbb these 2 things yg i feel boleh invite me into "that me" and the dark hole. Tapi cant blame this kind of group sbb science comes first and most likely the signs come later or final or not even been considered pun kot.
Apa2 ajelah, at least ada pengalaman utk covid swab test tadi, within 2 to 3 saat nye pengalaman dicucuk until penghujung hidung ni. Sakit sakit tapi lagi kesian dgr budak2 yg kene lalui swab test, all of them were crying so so loud, kesian. Doa2 agar anak2 xlalui pengalaman sebegini lagi, please Allah, seek your kind protection, aminn.
Still awaiting for result swab test tadi, within 1hour, in sha Allah dapatlah and then go back to level 3 clinic. Ya Allah, mohon agar Kau permudahkan urusan medical ku ini, dan bimbing ke arah jalan yg baik2 dlm career ku ni. Kalau offshore itu baik utk ku, bukalah jalan dan permudahkan. Sayang Allah, sayang Rasulullah. Apa nak jadi dlm career path ku ini, just ikut aje la ye nora binti ismail. Ada rezeki, ada lah ye. Klu xde, bersikap matanglah ye dan terus fighting.
Walaupun your mind state and emosi ko skrg ni dah resume into low low mood and xstable, tapi ko kene settlekan process medical offshore renew part ni ok. Dan walaupun your dream td ada mentioned ttg encik nomad (again) thus resulting your mood jadi spoil sudah pagi2 hari ni, tapi pls keep reminding the body system and keep praying yg encik nomad and nora binti ismail sudah agreed utk kosong-kosong. Just repeat the reminders ok, you can do it. Walaupun ada planning utk reach him back for tanya khabr etc, but pls dont dont and dont, sbb, it will be no good declaration and action to potray. Dont because that fool and immature planning, later kesudahannya akan bring harm and no good reputation towards your parents kan. Yelah, perigi mencari timba, kan mcm xsedap didengari tuh. Remember, always be good with your closed ones especially parents, so, pls dont dont and dont decide melulu. Biarlah ada roller coster in your mind tuh, and just remain it inside. Please me, please. You are no suit for love story, apatah lagi marriage life. So pls lawan keinginan utk reach him.
Allah ada sokmo, pls always minx doa dan petunjuk dari-Nya dan juga selawat atas Rasulullah dan his family and friends. Byk dah they went tru utk agama Allah yg sgt benar ni, so if you feel down sbb xdpt love life lagi, jadi ajarlah mind and body system ttg agama Allah in deep way prior can share it out to others by dakwah yg wise dan bukan entah apa2 nye cara dakwah. It requires lots of efforts and planning tuh ye, nora binti ismail. So, slowly shifting your self towards that goal ok. In sha Allah, that goal akan dipermudahkan. Ingat, nak buat that goal sbb nak mayat nnt ringan, wangi, mati dlm senyuman yg manis, abah mama keluarga dan kwn2 rapat punya nama akan jadi lagi baik sbb people might talk good things aje, wah xsabar nak begitu, aminn aminn.
Hope my "time to go" comes early dan bukannye my closed ones. Ya Allah, aku mohon padaMu.
Done sudoku, hard level, 2 games.
Biasa dah main sudoku byk2 daily, regardless what level. Fun to asah minda, rasa feeling2 genius tuh ada. Most of the time, rasa kacang sbb dah rutin kan main dan main.
Unfortunately, when there is sudoku, it acknowleges "that me" feeling is getting thicker and so, require lots of efforts and strategy (again) to fight " that me".
Jadi, confirm whatever been planned previous weeks, xade produktiviti utk this upcoming week. "That me" will always win and lots of excuses will be said with or w/o intention. Then, the loser feeling and "hate me" feeling akan jua makin menebal utk hari2 seterusnya. Wanted so bad utk jadi "old me", a person yg berusaha dan fokus sungguh2 utk capai goal dan planning yg dirancang, but too bad, the voice of "what for" pun makin menebal dlm mind and heart as well as body system ni.
Allahu Akbar, Allah Maha Besar. Selawat ke atas Rasulullah dan keluarga serta sahabat baginda.
Zikir dan selawat aje lah utk mohon perlindungan Allah setiap waktu, doa2 yg "this me" prone to choose pilihan yg baik2 so that, "that me" x win.
Betul yg masih ada fikiran utk tembak otak sendiri ni, betul yg masih ada kebencian pada perkahwinan abah mama ni, betul masih ada kebosanan dan "what for" dgn setiap detik ni; tapi "this me" still choose to practise relaxing method (by not pressure "this me" with overthinking issue, istighfar, slwt sket2, tgk tv) as well as "this me" still choose to larang "that me" to act physically. Ok lah kan, xpe xpe "this me", slow2 mcm siput, xpe ok, kuatkan smngt ok.
Importantly, still fighting ok. Segala hutang2 dlm academic life, working life dan beban kewangan, it is ok to abaikan temporary ye. Plus, mmg cuti dah amek kan utk esok 12April, so it is ok xde apa2 progress, asalkan pls ensure "that me" makin lemah dan x controlling.
Doa yg baik2 ye, ini ujian hidup utk masuk syurga.
Nurkakak, alang, haha, upin, ipin dan lain2 tgh tunggu tuh ye, kuatkan semngt.
In sha Allah, Allah pls guide me and seek Your protection for me and my loved ones.
Love you, Allah & Rasulullah, forgive me for letting "that me" still in control.
Sorry but will not give up.
This hour is around 1.30am and it is Wednesday, March 10th.
Wasnt too physical well, sakit kepala blkg belah kanan yg amat2+ tangan kiri seakan lumpuh rasa sakit yg amat2 + a bit numb. But alhamdulillah, i could beat my bad self sket during few days ini. Went to rumah akak dan kak hani for staying up studying master's project. Months xsentuh2, but that day, terima kasih Allah for your segala keizinan. I love you Allah. Need your mercy for every second in this world. Your kind mercy to move my heart and the loved ones'heart into the right faithful choices when we are at the junctions. Please dont hate us, dont hate me, Allah. Nak sgt2 Kau pilih dan izinkan diri ini ke dalam syurgaMu. Looking forward, so itu antara sebab kuat utk terus bernafas dan terus lawan apa yg boleh supaya the invisible tuh kalah sokmo hahaaha.
Teruskan doa dan usaha ye nora, nnt kalau ko yg futre tuh pilih bad choices, karang aku yg now nih hempuk ko nnt. Teruskan read and learn to feel and see from inside. #brailleconcept #rippleeffecttowardshumbleness.
Entahlah relevent ke idok, tp now mmg ada feeling2 ttg braille nih. Dont know why, tp sgt tetarik dgn apa2 yg invisible tp satu hapak awareness dan ilmu so so zero or negative. Jd itu terbukti betapa apakah diri ini haihh, guana nak dpt tiket ke syurga ni bila ilmu humblenese tuh amatlah memalukan diri sendiri. Nora..Nora..., please please.
Dear self,
Xsangka masih wujud this account blog. Masih ada memory ttg dulu2 ada tulis mcm diari or journal. Tp ingatkan that memory adalah hanya sekadar bayangan. Nnt ada masa, ada plan utk read tru those past words in this blog.
Now, just want to note down or recap on several matters that had happened yesterday March 2nd. Now dah masuk March 3rd, 0001 Hour. So, smlm tghr until asar, rasa sgt content, happy and grateful sbb dpt derma darah. Previously, kerap kene reject sbb low HB but tadi syukur dan terima kasih Allah bagi keizinan utk keluarkan darah from this body ni utk keperluan org yg memerlukan nnt. Then, zohor time was engaged with office manager utk buat report kenaikan grade. So, perasaan perah santan tuh pun dtg yg konon2 nye ada peluang utk nama dicalonkan naik from G2 to G3. Jd, bersambunglah perasaan happy tuh hahaha walaupun badan rasa xsedap badan e.g. peluh2, rasa nak muntah tp xmuntah la, penat sokmo; after derma darah tadi huhu.
Tapi mcm biasa, insan bernama Nora binti Ismail ni mmg lumrahnye berjiwa low mood and cant be motivated utk sustain the good emotions. Those positivity feelings hanya temporary shj, sebab from that asar until this hour dah mcm resume the normal feeling and emotion: "wtv', 'what for" and "what is the point executing those babysteps or little contributions". Plus, sakit kepala belah kanan belakang yang mencucuk2 dan sakit sgt nih, pun sudah resume mcm biasa.
Allahuakbar, Allah Maha Besar. Sayang sgt Allah dan Rasullullah serta para sahabat2. Mungkin dah tiba masa utk step up the game to fight this battle. Rasulullah dan para sahabat waktu dulu lagi hebat dalaman dan keimanan bila diberi ujian after ujian. Sbb objektifnya utk bodek Allah supaya Allah berikan tpt di syurga. Itu yg selalu ditakuti diri, kalau satu hari nnt terpilih pilihan yg salah. The inner self battle; nora +ve vs nora suicidal thought. Nak masuk syurga sgt2, sbb the loved one yg dah 'pergi' sedang menanti. Xpasti ada kemampuan ke x utk terus fight, tapi kene cuba dan cuba. Walapun kdg2 bila justify to diri sendiri utk terus hidup demi the loved one tuh, kdg2 dah xrasa kuat glue nye tuh huhu.
Xpelah, will see how from time to time. In sha Allah, doa dan usaha yg baik2.
Cheers.