Salam Hari Raya Haji yg ke-3 & Hari Tasyrik yg ke-2.
Tbh, didnt feel good and still am not great:-
1. Dint go for swimming self-practise smlm, didnt follow my planning. Sebab kenapa? Sebab rasa super anxiety tiba2 seharian semalm until rn. My mind & body refused utk ke pool, mereka mogok bersama.
2. Took inhaler again smlm siang dan juga tgh mlm today 2am gituh. Jadi mmg ketiduran amatlah out. Setiap sejam pasti akan bangun tiba2. Mmg koyak sbb tidur x elok. Jadi pagi td 3am x bawa pun anak2 dogs for jalan2, alhamdulillah mereka x paksa2 mcm kebiasaan. Perhaps they could feel my off condition sbb tuh they seemed pasrah aje x dpt jalan2 together. Sbb masih rasa ketat kat dada pada waktu tuh juga and rasanya sedut inhaler lagi waktu tuh sebelum dpt to terlelap. Alhamdulillah walaupun terlelap utk 1jam+ shj, Allah masih izinkan utk dpt solat isyan, solat sunat dan solat subuh. Lepas solat subuh, terus rasa mata sgt berat dan tertidur sampailah jam 9am tapi still tidur2 ayam. Jadi mmg on tiktok live sebagai white noise backgroun, peneman utk tidur. Bangun semula jam 9am tadi, badan sgt sgt lah off tp managed to tgk2 anak2 secara random and alhamdulillah all of them okok shj. Terima kasih Allah, terima kasih Allah. Lega tgk anak2 steady as routinely, then badan ter-auto shutdwon semula sehinggalah zohor tadi. Selama mimpi2, mmg agak berat. Mmg akan rasa penat setiap kali terbangun.
3. Didnt manage to tgk whatsapp apa2 sbb x de tenaga dan desire seharian. Nnt mlm sket or esok selasa.
4. Wanted to no eat apa2 real food today tp alhamdulillah x listen. Still makan meds cymbalta mcm biasa tapi dah start balik makan xanax (but 1 pill shj today) sebab dah rasa penat tidur2 ayam dan x tidur amatlah x betul since end may till 8june. Percubaan dan experiment utk tgk badan reaction apabila x makan xanak for some daya, done. Tapi the observation was not helpful. Mungkin sbb muscle masih x relax dan stress masih terkumpul byk dlm system. So rasanya perlu teruskan mkn xanax semula everynight for 1pill shj. Utk cuba tackle sleeping issue ini. Kene jaga sleeping ni, sebab penting.
5. Always doing somatic exercises on bed sebagai tanda distraction utk kurangkan bising dlm kepala dan utk kurangkan jerking ketika mau terlelap. Sgt x best rasa sudden jerking nih, sampai pernah tertendang anak meow2 yg tidur berdekatan, rituh tertendang kipas sampai kipas terhempas jatuh. All those tertendengan tuh mmg dlm keadaan x sedar sbb mata almost mau terlelap tp terkejut bangun tiba2 sbb dgr brg/anak2 terjatuh sakit. Kesian dioramg, oya abused them tanpa sedar hmmm. Jadi tulah buat somatic exercise dan warm up on the bed while phone scrolling, tapi penat this activity sbnrnye. Badan pasti berpeluh huhu tp badan masih x rasa penat dan x de rasa any booster tenaga. So mmg kept bed rooting since past weeks sambil2 buat semua tuh on the bed. But still rasa x best dgn diri sbb since past years also chose to bed rotting till now, hmm walaupun this time around punya bed roting ada perbezaan/improvement sbb routinely buat somatic exercise. It s a good progress kan, walaupun x so progressive sbb masih ada aggressive jerking dan masih ada tidur x sihat.
Jadi moving forward utk esok onwards till end june:-
1. Perlu terus paksa diri minum air kosong min 2L
2. Perlu non-skip makan ubat xanak 1 pill setiap malam.
3. Perlu continue buat somatic exercise on bed utk discharge the stress trapped inside the system.
4. Perlu phone scrolling utk tutorial swimming, 🇵🇸, & human psychology including neurodivergent spectrum.
5. Perlu swimm juga utk 2 or 3 hari utk minggu ni sbb next week ada possibility utk period. So settle period, perlu sambung swimm utk 2 or 3 hari for the last week of June.
You got this, we got this.
Selalu minx dan mengadu pada Allah tau.
Kene terus cuba dan cuba, tapi bila badan dan mental bagi signal yg kuat utk “ TAK NAK BUAT APA2 rn” or “WTV semua planning dlm kepala, dont wanna proceed anything rn or esok”; just listen and x need meeting for asking negotiations w them. Sbb they are firm as bitch so xperlah, let them win and feel safe dulu ok. Mengalah aje ok dgn diri sendiri, tapi make sure x lama2 ok. Sebab kita ada targer and mission.
All these masih boleh diconsider sebagai ibadah kerana Allah, so we really got this.
In sha Allah. Hadap like a slayy bitch yet helpful to self and others by aint gv up.
Love.
