2021, Diary#9

 I think, i need to open up and welcome marriage in planning. I need to be married, i need it instead of want it. Sebab, the wild thinking is coming back and i feel sick of it. It is sinful, so no pahala in my akhirat account. Macam mana nak masuk syurga dgn senang kalau ginih, Allahu Akbar. The solution to can have the wild thinking and at the sametime can also get pahala is to get married. Need to get married. Then, solve problem. But the marriage life is not the temporary mesure, nak tak nak, have to commit. When salah perform in the commitment, alamatnya there will be additional dosa pula. Allahu Akbar, mcm mn ni. I know i need a husband for performing and activating the production or sexuality execution concept, but it is not only main topic need to focus. Ada byk lg ilmu and adab kene faham dan belajar ttg topik2 yg pelbagai dalam rumah tangga. Allahu Akbar, Allhumma solli a'ala saidina Muhammad wa a'ala saidina Muhammad. Macam mana ni ya Allah, seeking your guidance on this jodoh, marriage and the wild thinking matter. I dont want to add anymore sin in the current list, sebab nak sgt dpt dijemput dgn cepat dan mudah ke sisi-Mu then dpt jumpa anak2 bulus dan the loved ones e.g. arwah nenek, arwah atuk; yg sedang menunggu di sana. 

Or the other solution for this is to kill yourself. Tapi itu forbidden in Islam and many more religions kan. I wish but forbidden. It is an effective shorcut what, i still believe it, tapi tulah. I am sellfish and confirm akan sedihkan mama abah and many more loved ones. Dan yg pasti, family reputation akan jadi burul dan hina sebab my sellfishness. Is that a word, sellfishness? wtv. So nora binti ismail, pls keep fighting, praying and dzikir, in sha Allah, in sha Allah, in sha Allah. 

Help me Allah, and help my family and the loved ones dunia akhirat ya Allah. Harap yg baik2 aje to be happened, aminn aminn.

2021, Diary#8

 Sorry, Ain, my little sister. Sorry sebab i am the person yg masih Ain x boleh nak open up. Sorry sebab Ain ke ER, HTJ Seremban smlm ptg sampai 10mlm smlm by alone. Sorry sebab Ain masih struggle dlm fighting the stupid invisible thing despite dah consume pil2 given by psy. Rupanya masih xsembuh significantly, sorry sebab Ain masih feels miserable inside. I love you and all of us love you, Ain. Ya Allah, please help Ain on this matter and seeking your guidance, blessing, forgiveness as well as protection for Ain's health and her choices in life.

2021, Diary#7

Sebelum menjelang tgh mlm smlm, did practise keyboard tapi fingering teknik still mcm hampeh. And yg lagi hampeh, sengaja minum coke masa buka puasa+ x amek flutiform+still ada fikiran ttg en nomad+ada niat nak buat work but x buat pun mlm smlm + still ada low mood momment.

Despite of those stuffs tuh, suprisingly i felt a bit calmer + lighter this body system ni. Sudoku level Xpert pun mcm senang nak selesaikan. Sebab apa tau, mungkin sebab x rasa serabut sgt dah ttg en nomad since whatsapp conversation with leena, my closed officemate. Her question was suprisingly deep, such as "Is he special for you?" My answer in my mind which suprisingly can kill the voice in my mind, "CONFIRM LA TAK, HONESTLY, WHAT SPECIAL, DAA." Then, she strongly advises me to anggap aje he is one of my regular friends, which i feel so true and legit and effective. Of course he is just an acquitance or very regular friend kan. Until now, my body system mcm dah dpt digest those deep statements from Leena, which i feel content sbb dpt beat up my 'stubborn side'. 

Thanks babe Leena, my prayer for you is hope that Allah will always protect and bless you and family, aminn aminn. Also my prayer for me is hope that Allah secure this clam feeling every day as well as improve the thinking situation related to en nomad. He is a good guy and has lots of quality of husband material, in sha Allah, but because of my declaration of kosong-kosong last year & nothing efforts from his side, it definitely is clear cut definition yg I could not be his lady. Me and en nomad are x compatible with each other, like what Hestie did mention years back ago. She was right, though. I am x good looking type lady, x perform enough in PPA Petronas every year, still sick in and out, still cannot know how to love myself, x saving, still unfinish master study, berat badan overweight and many more. Oppositely, en nomad is better than me from kebykn segi, i belive that. 

So nora binti ismail, please ok, keep fighting for betterment in and out ok. In sha Allah, ada jodoh, ada lah ye, terus doa jodoh yg compatible dan baik2 utk dunia dan akhirat. Importantly, get back focus and energy for finishing master's project as well as langsaikan 'hutang2' task kerja yg sedia ada. Selalu istighfar, selawat dan zikir sambil2 berdoa pada Allah ar-Rahman ar-Rahim, sebab Allah shj yg pegang hati setiap makhluk nye, bukan manusia tapi Allah. Sayang Allah, sayang Rasulullah.

2021, Diary#6

 Sudah seminggu consume flutiform, 4× daily puff, and xamek ventolin pun lagi, since last week monday nye KPJ asthma appointment. Syukur, but still believe yg this is not a permenant solution, but xapelah, layankan aje la kan. Sbb another 3 weeks, need to go KPJ lagi, for follow up. So, nak xnak, kene layankan juga flutiform (kot namanye hahah) yg ada steroid ni and kumuh2 after pengambilan. Klu x kumuh2, most likely ulser ada. Leceh, tp what to do.

What to do, what to do, what to do.

Migrain kerap kali attack kat belah blkg kepala bahagian kanan shj ni, the suicidal thinking (jump off tpt yg tinggi, pasal ape entah) pun masih ada berlegar2 dlm minda ni, dan the 'en nomad' thinking pun masih kerap kali dan berlegar2 dlm minda ini. 

Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar

Selawat ke atas Nabi Muhammad S.A.W

Ni mesti diri ni masih berharap he reaches me again, in magical way and charming style. Ceit, what an impossible hope. Sudah setahun since the meeting at KLIA, he never reach anything. Plus, sudah declare kosong-kosong kan, so, what are you still hoping for nora binti ismail? Please, please and please. " What if he has mutual feeling? What if he also rindu separuh nyawa? What if he always check my status at every social media e.g. whatsApp, MT, Skype, Facebook. What if he loves me deeply? What if, what if?" Penat la ginih nora binti ismail, xpenat ke.

Allah, please help me. I am always at yout mercy, at all times. Pity me. I know and makin aware yg perkahwinan akan dpt automatik menyempurnakan separuh iman seseorang, and so, I wanted it so bad. Sbb nye, i nak and perlukan that utk ke syurgaMu dgn mudah, in sha Allah. Tapi, tulah, en nomad doesnt desire me, my family background in parenting did show not so wise / inspiring approach at all times and importantly, i dont know still dont know how to love myself so mcm.mn nak sayang org lain? Allah, aku istikharah padaMu. Jodoh atau maut, whichever yg Kau rasa terbaik utk diri ini, seeking your guidance please. 

Still, i am hoping that:

1. I die before my loved ones go

2. When i die, my mayat and soul relax2, wangi, smile sokmo and in peace with people in faith

3. Prior my death, en nomad will reach me again and will put a great effort utk kenal hati budi masing2 with niat utk settle down with me

4. If not en nomad be the true one, there is another guy to take those actions

5. Sametime, my master study pun dpt selesai sebaiknye

6. Sametime, my tasks in work pun dpt dilakukan seeloknye

7. Sametime, my family sentiasa hidup dlm keimanan, ketakwaan dan ketenangan yg betul mengikut cara Islam yg betul

8. I wanted so bad utk meet and live again with my kids e.g. nur kakak, alang, upin, ipin, haha, mak, mak terbeliak, didi and many more anak2 bulus yg i sgt sgt syg, ya Allah. Missing them so much, xsbr that day to come. Angah, ya Allah, izinkan aku pergi sebelum angah pergi ye, izinkan aku pergi dlm iman ye, please

Love you Allah, really do. Love Allah and Rasulullah. Please forgive me, ya Allah. I am sorry.

2021, Diary#5

 Now at KPJ, Seremban for covid swab test, then if negative so can proceed with lung assessment.

After that, need to update AME panel in nilai for final conclusion whether fit or not fit for offshore.

All these processes sbb did declare masa isi borang medical status kat kat panel clinic nilai tuh. The declaration of asthma, migrain and depression. Suprisingly, only astma yg that AME sgt concern kan walhal my feeling and thinking yg migrain attack and depression whatsoever ni lagi2 concerning kot. But he kept concerning about astma condition, so funny.

Most likely, he is a person from group of people yang lebih selesa deal dgn benda yg norm and typical likelihood for death.  But migrain and depression are so-so and manageable. So funny sbb these 2 things yg i feel boleh invite me into "that me" and the dark hole. Tapi cant blame this kind of group sbb science comes first and most likely the signs come later or final or not even been considered pun kot.

Apa2 ajelah, at least ada pengalaman utk covid swab test tadi, within 2 to 3 saat nye pengalaman dicucuk until penghujung hidung ni. Sakit sakit tapi lagi kesian dgr budak2 yg kene lalui swab test, all of them were crying so so loud, kesian. Doa2 agar anak2 xlalui pengalaman sebegini lagi, please Allah, seek your kind protection, aminn.

Still awaiting for result swab test tadi, within 1hour, in sha Allah dapatlah and then go back to level 3 clinic. Ya Allah, mohon agar Kau permudahkan urusan medical ku ini, dan bimbing ke arah jalan yg baik2 dlm career ku ni. Kalau offshore itu baik utk ku, bukalah jalan dan permudahkan. Sayang Allah, sayang Rasulullah. Apa nak jadi dlm career path ku ini, just ikut aje la ye nora binti ismail. Ada rezeki, ada lah ye. Klu xde, bersikap matanglah ye dan terus fighting.

Walaupun your mind state and emosi ko skrg ni dah resume into low low mood and xstable, tapi ko kene settlekan process medical offshore renew part ni ok. Dan walaupun your dream td ada mentioned ttg encik nomad (again) thus resulting your mood jadi spoil sudah pagi2 hari ni, tapi pls keep reminding the body system and keep praying yg encik nomad and nora binti ismail sudah agreed utk kosong-kosong. Just repeat the reminders ok, you can do it. Walaupun ada planning utk reach him back for tanya khabr etc, but pls dont dont and dont, sbb, it will be no good declaration and action to potray. Dont because that fool and immature planning, later kesudahannya akan bring harm and no good reputation towards your parents kan. Yelah, perigi mencari timba, kan mcm xsedap didengari tuh. Remember, always be good with your closed ones especially parents, so, pls dont dont and dont decide melulu. Biarlah ada roller coster in your mind tuh, and just remain it inside. Please me, please. You are no suit for love story, apatah lagi marriage life. So pls lawan keinginan utk reach him.

Allah ada sokmo, pls always minx doa dan petunjuk dari-Nya dan juga selawat atas Rasulullah dan his family and friends. Byk dah they went tru utk agama Allah yg sgt benar ni, so if you feel down sbb xdpt love life lagi, jadi ajarlah mind and body system ttg agama Allah in deep way prior can share it out to others by dakwah yg wise dan bukan entah apa2 nye cara dakwah. It requires lots of efforts and planning tuh ye, nora binti ismail. So, slowly shifting your self towards that goal ok. In sha Allah, that goal akan dipermudahkan. Ingat, nak buat that goal sbb nak mayat nnt ringan, wangi, mati dlm senyuman yg manis, abah mama keluarga dan kwn2 rapat punya nama akan jadi lagi baik sbb people might talk good things aje, wah xsabar nak begitu, aminn aminn.

Hope my "time to go" comes early dan bukannye my closed ones. Ya Allah, aku mohon padaMu.

2021, Diary#4

Fool and stupid me, sebab masih teringat2 pasal encik nomad.

What the heck, pls la, come on la mind.

Mentang2 ko tahu yg aku xakan shoot the head right now, so ko dengan sesuka hati flashback and replay memori2 ttg that guy? Sampai bila ha?!

That guy and you dah kosong2, berapa kali nak remind. Pls la, kerjasama sket, xkan xboleh.

Dulu, ham ham for 10years gedik2 ingat dan perah santan. Now, xakan that encik nomad ko nak repeat the same typical pathetic pattern? Ko nak aku shoot the head then ko akan stop doing this?!

Idk la mind, you truly make me so so upset right now. Thought that we hv some midpoints and common terms yg win-win, now it seems mcm x. Lagi bertambah2 ls "hate me" feeling ni, stupid me, apa ke susah sgt nk control your own mind ha?! Dulu boleh jer, skrg mcm bodoh.

Bodoh sbb fikir2 perihal yg entah apa2. 

Pls la nora, i hate you so jgn buat aku benci ko lagi.

True fact is i refuse to learn what is self love and how, sbb 'what for' kan. So, pls pls stop making me lagi jauh dr diri ni and start ikut my 'old me' style.

That style worked what, so pls ikutkan aje apa yg aku tengah programm kat mind ni, ye mind. Ko jgn macam2, sbb aku boleh macam2 dgn diri ni.

Just blend it with the 'old me' style, we can do this towards progressive output.

Pls, no more encil nomad or sesiapa, pls, and always remember yg ko xsuit utk perkahwinan dan alam motherhood sbb ko akan repeat mistakes dan kebencian pada kehidupan baru, so better don't, don't, don't and don't.

Delete encik nomad and other unnecessary thinking/ berangan tuh from this mind, just keep deleting them all.

Fighting.

2021, Diary#3

 Done sudoku, hard level, 2 games.

Biasa dah main sudoku byk2 daily, regardless what level. Fun to asah minda, rasa feeling2 genius tuh ada. Most of the time, rasa kacang sbb dah rutin kan main dan main.

Unfortunately, when there is sudoku, it acknowleges "that me" feeling is getting thicker and so, require lots of efforts and strategy (again) to fight " that me". 

Jadi, confirm whatever been planned previous weeks, xade produktiviti utk this upcoming week. "That me" will always win and lots of excuses will be said with or w/o intention. Then, the loser feeling and "hate me" feeling akan jua makin menebal utk hari2 seterusnya. Wanted so bad utk jadi "old me", a person yg berusaha dan fokus sungguh2 utk capai goal dan planning yg dirancang, but too bad, the voice of "what for" pun makin menebal dlm mind and heart as well as body system ni.

Allahu Akbar, Allah Maha Besar. Selawat ke atas Rasulullah dan keluarga serta sahabat baginda.

Zikir dan selawat aje lah utk mohon perlindungan Allah setiap waktu, doa2 yg "this me" prone to choose pilihan yg baik2 so that, "that me" x win.

Betul yg masih ada fikiran utk tembak otak sendiri ni, betul yg masih ada kebencian pada perkahwinan abah mama ni, betul masih ada kebosanan dan "what for" dgn setiap detik ni; tapi "this me" still choose to practise relaxing method (by not pressure "this me" with overthinking issue, istighfar, slwt sket2, tgk tv) as well as "this me" still choose to larang "that me" to act physically. Ok lah kan, xpe xpe "this me", slow2 mcm siput, xpe ok, kuatkan smngt ok. 

Importantly, still fighting ok. Segala hutang2 dlm academic life, working life dan beban kewangan, it is ok to abaikan temporary ye. Plus, mmg cuti dah amek kan utk esok 12April, so it is ok xde apa2 progress, asalkan pls ensure "that me" makin lemah dan x controlling.

Doa yg baik2 ye, ini ujian hidup utk masuk syurga.

Nurkakak, alang, haha, upin, ipin dan lain2 tgh tunggu tuh ye, kuatkan semngt.

In sha Allah, Allah pls guide me and seek Your protection for me and my loved ones.

Love you, Allah & Rasulullah, forgive me for letting "that me" still in control.

Sorry but will not give up.