31 May 2025

Salam diri, 

Slmt mlm. Tengah bad mood gler rn sebab:

1. Terasa yg abah perli2 dekat group ws yg oya x balik2 jumpa parents 😒

2. Anak2 bulus x welcome this one street cat ni ke dlm rumah, x mesra tetamu betul haishh

3. Paip depan bising bunyi air flow non-stop sbb paip tuh dah haus/rosak

4. Anak2 bulus (both cats & dogs) kaki select food 😤

5. Nyamuk cari pasal sejak waktu asar lagi, mmg bahalul betul hishhhhh

Ok itu aje nak luah. 

Masih x rasa cool 100% rn tapi boleh lah cool sket sudah.

Sbb sambil2 istighfar dan ingatkan diri yg oya ni hamba Allah jadi x perlu rasa diri ni paling tersakiti. 

Also sambil2 minum air tin wonda cofee latte juga sbb ofc kopi is indeed my bestie at all times. Memang la kbykn org bijak pandai dah nasihat utk elakkan minum kopi byk tin dlm seharian dan elakkan minum pada waktu mlm. But kopi brings me ketenangang & cool down badan walaupun a bit still progress apeee, dan juga buatkan oya rasa mengantuk sgt rn.

Makan meds dengan kopi tuh, sekali harung, senang hidup.

Air kosong bosan utk dihabiskan 2L hari ni, esok lah we see how. Air kosong x sedap tau haishhh tapi tulah kene juga minum air kosong byk2 time sahur dan buka puasa selama puasa sunat zulhijjah ni. When not, in june utk target derma darah akan 50-50 gagal lagi sbb bp badan rendah asbab x cukup air. Tahun ni masih gagal utk donate blood, kaki select betul aaa pihak jbtn darah ni. Org nak sedekah at own risk, ambil aje lah. Ni x, kene follow criteria bla bla walaupun borderline reading, apoooo haishhhh. 

So x pe, oya x akan gv up. Oya akan cuba lagi dan akan selalu minx Allah permudahkan. Allah Maha Baik, so ofc i still got lots of chances 💪.

Esok dah masuk june dah, dlm otak ni macam biasa ‘bising’ utk analyse dan puzzle up macam2 benda. So in june target utk:

1. Derma darah sampai berjaya

2. Check a street dog Brownie dekat vet utk kasi mandulkan dia when she s confirmed by vet yang she yet dimandulkan lagi

3. Swimming training sampai konfident diri mencecah 2m tinggi konfident level

4. Engage w kaunselor pegawai perkeso & join their program

5. F/up doc appt (kat PJ utk topap ubat, and then kat Seremban utk update progress pada AME)

Will see how dan oya akan lagi kuat berpaut/tawakal jua berserah pada Allah shj semata2.

Oya sayang Allah, Rasulullah, abah mama, sibs dan circle oya yg baik2 walaupun annoying.

Hmmm u got this, we got this.

29 May 2025

 Uit salam zulhijjah,

Dah masuk bulan haji wow time mmg flies silently kan. Doa2 ada rezeki one day utk dpt tunaikan haji dengan abah etc, doa kan free heheh.

So yup today puasa sunat zulhijjah dan doa2 till puasa sunat arafah dpt straight puasa sunat tanpa rasa berbolak balik emosi dan tenaga. Sebab bila puasa kan, perasaan amarah dan self-annoyance tuh mmg bebal dan kebal haishh hebat sungguh kan setam dan hawa nafsu ni bila mereka bergabung. But it s ok, aku ada Allah dan aku akan selalu berdoa padaNya supaya dpt kematangan dan ketenangan dalam berpuasa ni. Doa is powerful tau whai setan dan hawa nafsu, i aint gv up dgn tawakkul pada Allah. 

So memandangkan today start dah puasa sunat dan akan cuba seterus hari2 nya till puasa sunat arafah, jadi x proceed berenang utk ketika tempoh ini. 

But good job diri! You were so slayyy girl smlm sbb managed to paksa diri juga self-practising utk berenang. Berenang di kompleks sukan S2, wasnt bad, ok la. Walaupun rasa penat koyak wtv gler masa swimming smlm pagi dan ptg, tapi kita did it juga per planning. Masih jauh lagi utk jadi biasa dan teror dlm swimming ni, but it s ok, teruskan doa pada Allah tau utk kekuatan dan keberkatan. Pls dont gv up ya Nora, walaupun swimming ni amatlah ko rasa sgt bosan dan selalu mengelamun tgk birds and butterflies flied freely, sambil usha2 dan analyse other swimmers. It s ok, dulu pun ko rasa bosan dgn segala exam (upsr, pmr, spm, iv petronas, etc), tapi kita managed to layankan aje kan till got it done successfully kan. So utk this swimming topik, rasanya we boleh, we still got the desire to start it well till to end it very well. Aminn Aminn.

So yup, masih rasa penat badan dan mental (otak dan jiwa masih ‘bising bergaduh sesam sendiri’) seharian ni asbab smlm swimming, tapi rasa tenang. Mungkin asbab hujan dan cuaca sejuk mendung gelap kot sepagian ni, i really lurvee those kind of suasan. Yes it s really true yang suasana sgtlah memainkan peranan ye heheh. Alhamdulillah, terima kasih Allah, terima kasih. Tapi, walaupun rasa tenang sket kan today, tapi rasanya x dpt meet kpi utk minum air kosong at least 2L+ per day dan makan real food nasi ke kan everyday. Today rasa x ada selera utk itu semua but meds still on. Pagi tadi makan xanax 1pill shj (smlm x makan tau xanax apa2 at all tau, good job!), and juga cymbalta 1pill mcm biasa pagi, dan mlm jplg masa buka puasa akan makan cymbalta 1pill shj mcm biasa rutin.

But we see esok mcm ttg selera makan ni ya, we see how.

We got this ok Nora, we got this.

Love you babe.

27 May 20205

Salam Hi Hello diri,

Good job sbb smlm done dobi & done makan real food nasi waktu sahur, not bad. 

Walaupun minum air kosong x cukup 2L smlm dan emosi/tenaga got super drained towards the night smlm, but:

1. you did a good job. At least done dobi kan (after sebulan+), which s way way better than previously yang dobi x buat2 selama 3-4bulan. It s ok, baby or tadika step. Kita try maintain dobi perlu dibuat by monthly, we try together ok diri :).

2. you still consumed meds walaupun 99.99% almost decided utk x nak makan utk malam sbb rasa terlampau drained. Good job, it s ok, ttg bab meds mmg kene activate VETO button which s the mind and heart x boleh at all voting dlm bab ini. Kita dah set this into default kan,  dah mmg becoming an auto habit utk makan cymbalta 1pilll siang and then 1pill malam. Xanax pun kita masih makan kan siang then malam tapi kita target bulan june nnt kita slow2 ignore xanax ya. Parking je dulu ttg xanax ni in mind ok diri.

Good job tau smlm.

Dan juga 3am+ tadi today also good job, sbb terus rutin bawa dogs brisk walking walaupun tenaga/emosi dlm keadaan drained/emo/x stable. U did go out waktu tuh walaupun rasa perasaan useless tuh amatlah menebal, tapi u pentingkan dogs punya happy drpd niat mahu terus bed rotting. Good job babe!

Also good job juga sbb pagi tadi dpt kawal semula emosi ke normal vibe setting after tiba2 menangis selama 30min+ dan tiba2 in depressed mode. Rasa sedih nyilu kan waktu tuh, but it s ok, now dah x rasa mcm tuh kan. Kawal ok, we got this. 

Ok ok, memandangkan u setuju utk x mahu layan perasaan depressed, i setuju w your syarat2 for a win2 condition. U dont want to eat real food nasi kan today (pagi tadi pun x order nasi, & mlm ni pun x nak makan nasi apa2 kan). So i setuju tapi counter offer that u must drink 2L air kosong dan makan pisang tau. Baru fair kan. Ok then, we do mcm gituh ya. Kene makan food sebelum makan meds, x mau mcm smlm buka puasa hanya minum air kotak soya then makan meds. Alhamdulillah the gut x meroyan afterwards, alhamdulillah. Jgn main2 dgn gut, you know it right. Bila gastrik ke gerd ke or wtv inside stomach tuh meroyan, masak tau u and i. So kene extra careful ya diri. 

It s ok. Just imagine dan terus delulu utk esok punya planning to do. Kita plan to swim kat pool s2 kan esok pagi dan esok ptg. So just imagine dan berangan aje ttg esok yg kita tiba2 ada skill berenang macam katak walaupun right now very zero ilmu dan training. Yg penting esok doa2 x lemas apa2 hahahah kalau x, malu dgn org2 especially lifeguard hahaha. We got this ok.

Love u and i, love diri.

25 May 2025

Hi self, salam ahad.

Esok after solat subuh, wajib buat dobi sebab dah sebulan+ x buat walaupun dalam otak asyik ckp akan buat, tapi x buat2 juga. What a ‘wonderful’ habit, persistent habit yg susah wei utk ubah. Dobi & segala associate w baju2 pakaian ni aint my thing, sgt2 rasa struggle to do by weekly. Hmm xpe self, esok planning bg settle juga tau! Tapi esok mau puasa sunat isnin, hmm tenaga akan kacau ke ek. It s ok, plan aje dulu mcm kebiasaan habit & see how. Dobi oh dobi, dobi oh dobi. I just really really hate u dobi, but need u. What a life. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh annoyinggggggggg!!!!

Wtv, abaikan tuh dulu self. Just focus on the present, now, today still x sampai 12am/0000hours yet kan. Now tgh rasa lapar tapi malas nak kunyah. Dan rasa sgt sakit kepala bahagian blkg belah kiri. Tp done berak byk tadi, so basically & ideally done toxic out from the system for today. And supposedly x de sakit kepala apa2 dah tp masih rasa sakit. Misteri misteri hmmm. Rasanya sbb perut kosong kot ek, angin baru pun terlahir lah kembali walapun tanpa izin diri ini, what a life. So maksudnya now kene order real food juga la ni ek, alaaa malasnyaaa nak kunyah nanti. Seriusss malas wei, tapi bila x makan nnt 50-50 akan bad mood semalaman malam ini & kemudian esok plan to dobi bakal musnah sbb bad mood x settle down lagi. Allah, penat wei otak ni tgh running fikir about this, tapi rasanya system mulut kene mengalah and give in utk proceed order food now & then makan. Ok ok, setuju. Kene makan juga, baiklah. 

Ok cow dulu, utk order uncle pink from kedai yg sama smlm order, kelmarin order & rutin kebiasaan. Susah nk tukar selera ke kedai lain instantly, sbb x de tenaga utk byngkn diri cuba makan any new food from new kedai. So yah, order aje benda yg sama, x bosan apa kan, lagi syok dan safe lagi ada lah hahahaah. Wtv.

24 May 2025

Status of seharian punya:

1. Tenaga fizikal: Low & most hours just bed rotting but minimal routine utk kerja2 di rumah sewa masih boleh settlekan seperti rutin kebiasaan (e.g. dog walking at 3am+, minimal clean up here & there, buang sampah ke luar, etc)

2. Mental capacity: Non-stop thinking multiple possibilites/narratives in mind while creating new puzzles but not too overthinking like semalam/last week/usual habit

3. Emosi: Steady but not so vibey

4. Qtty makan ubat Dr Najib: Total of 2mg xanax (2 biji pill) & 120mg cymbalta (2 biji pill)

5. Qttty minum air: Total of 2L+ air mineral & 2 air tin coffee & 1 air soya kotak

6. Selera makan: Ada makan walaupun rasa nausea & rasa malas nak kunyah/habiskan

7. Berak: Ada berak & warnanya normal coklat 

8. Kencing: Ada kencing & warnanya normal kuning cair

9. Belikat area: X rasa sakit apa2

10. Migrain: Ada sakit sket sekejap2

11. Tidur: Susah nak tidur asbab no.2 above

12. Screen time for scrolling medsos: >12 hours while bed rotting and makan minum

13. Radio rosak in mind ttg someone bernama MGM: Low & x macam kebiasaan selalu heavy teringat

14. Self-acceptance ttg keputusan Company on my fit to work status (been discussed in details during consultation session at Klinik Tan Seremban semalam on 23May): Collectively they stick w UNFIT status for me but 80% ok dah rasa jiwa ini utk accept takdir Tuhan & no more serabut sgt (walaupun last week amatlah rasa koyak & rasa so rejected which then causing unwanted physical pain here & there including telah gagalkan my desire to donate blood kat Lotus S2 on Monday 18May, plus smlm after the session memang badan & emosi quickly auto- drained macam seketul kain basah kene perah kuat2 by a high tech compress machine)

15. Keadaan w circles: Last night tiba2 my bestie Anis Syafirin tnye my khabar. Rasanya she could feel my struggles from afar, mcm selalu ketika di uni memang her superpower habit akan dpt instinct when i was off here & there. Tp mcm biasa, i didnt open up to her last night sbb no.1 & no.14 above, but i replied to her yang once i ready & bertenaga, will do story morry & spill the tea accordingly, soon, yes soon. Today pula, sudah notify dan update pjg lebar pada family ttg no.14. Walaupun they didnt respond macam keluarga normal yg jenis kepochi tnye itu ini, but deep down i knew that their worries about my health have been elevated higher than before

Yup itu shj buat hari ini 24May.

Tmrw onwards mungkin style menulis journal akan berubah mengikut mood & ilham idea ketika itu.

Nora, you got this. Remember, just get it done and you got this.